


Felonious Cheer

by keelywolfe



Series: by any other name [15]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Underfell (Undertale), Alternate Universe - Underswap (Undertale), Drinking, M/M, Red is an Asshole, Spicyhoney - Freeform, Underfell Papyrus (Undertale), Underfell Sans (Undertale), Underswap Papyrus (Undertale), Undertale Monsters on the Surface
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-16
Updated: 2018-09-16
Packaged: 2019-07-13 05:17:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16011056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keelywolfe/pseuds/keelywolfe
Summary: Set before ‘Here Comes the Brides’. In that story, Edge referenced that Red was staying away from Stretch because of something to do with Edge’s car. This is what happened with his car.





	Felonious Cheer

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Edge and Red are from Underfell and Red is an asshole. They say mean things to each other, and one of those things might be implied as a rape joke. It’s not that bad, but I don’t want to trigger anyone, so hey, heads up.

* * *

Jeff didn’t receive a ton of text messages. From his roommates occasionally, asking him to pick up things on his way home or reminding him that it was his month to drop off the rent check. They weren’t exactly friends, but they were friendly and that made living together a decent enough prospect. Rarer still were ones from Thomas, asking him to come in for an extra shift or two when they got a large order. 

Since he’d made unlikely friends with a few Monsters, his amount of texts had increased by leaps and bounds. Stretch sent him at least one nearly every day, often ridiculous memes and silly jokes that never failed to make him laugh. On any occasion they’d made arrangements to go over for dinner, he’d get a curt text from Edge with a menu for the following evening, verifying that there was nothing offensive or allergenic. 

It was sort of touching, to be honest. 

So, to get a text today that said simply, _‘andy, come on down!_ ’, he didn’t think much of it. Only, it came from an unknown number and Stretch was the only person who called him Andy.

In the end, curiousity outweighed caution and he went downstairs. A shame his roommates weren’t home, he’d always wanted to do one of those, ‘if I’m not back in five minutes’ gigs but it didn’t really have the same effect when your audience was a cat. 

Downstairs was a sleek red car, a convertible that he recognized as Edge’s. The skeleton at the wheel gave him a pause, though, and okay, yeah, maybe there was one other guy who called him—

“andy!” Red called cheerily, waving, and his gold tooth gleamed in the late afternoon sun. 

“Hello,” Jeff said warily. 

“hey, kid, i know we got off on a rough start,” Red said amicably. “But i also know you and stretch are buds. he’s been a little down since his bro ripped him a new asshole the other day, what’s say we cheer him up?”

“He’s fighting with his brother?” Jeff asked, uncomfortably. Stretch hadn’t said anything about it, but he could be pretty tight-lipped about things for a guy who didn’t have any. “Are they not talking?”

Red snorted and shook his head. “nah, blue would never not talk to him. that’s probably half the problem, if he’d shut up sometime, they wouldn’t have so much to argue about. but, eh, i figured since you ditched him the other day, you wouldn’t mind helping out.”

“I didn’t ditch him!” Jeff protested weakly. Antwan had come to get him right around the time the shouting was peaking and he’d spent the rest of the night in...other pursuits.

“uh huh,” Red only smiled at him and it was just a smile but somehow, it grated. “you gettin’ in or not?”

This was probably a stupid idea, but eh, he’d made worse choices for less friendly people. Jeff got in. 

The way Red peeled out of the parking lot was less than reassuring and they’d been on the road for five minutes before he realized that Red’s feet didn’t reach the pedals. 

Over the blowing wind, Jeff asked, “Um, how are you—”

“magic,” Red called amiably and of course it was. Jeff was getting used to that as a catch-all answer.

The ride wasn’t long, Red pulled up to the coffee shop where Jeff had met Edge a few weeks back. He didn’t shut off the car, only sent a text and Stretch came out almost immediately, his laptop bag slung haphazardly over his shoulder. 

“please tell me you didn’t steal your brother’s car again,” Stretch sighed. 

“steal,” Red sniffed. “please. i work security for the fucking embassy, i don’t stoop to grand theft auto. i _borrowed_ his car, thank you.” He grinned, “his keys now, those i stole.”

Stretch gave Jeff an appraising look, “kidnapping has a longer prison term.”

“come on, you think i had to steal that one?” Red snorted. “mentioned your name and he climbed right in. i got guys i pay who aren’t this obedient, what did you do the kid, brainwash him? details, please, i got a list.”

‘I’m sitting right here,” Jeff muttered.

“he’s not brainwashed, he’s loyal, try it sometime,” Stretch lit a cigarette, blowing the smoke away from the car. “it’s cheaper.”

“spend money to make money. are you getting in or am i committing possible felonies for nothin’?”

Stretch stood at the side of the car and finished his cigarette, all while Red sighed impatiently and whatever magic he was using was tapping off and on the gas, making the car rock until Jeff felt a little queasy. Before he could figure out a way to make him stop that wouldn’t incur possible bodily harm, Stretch tamped out his cigarette and vanished, reappearing sprawled out in the backseat.

He waved a hand imperiously, “drive on, jeeves, and don’t tell me where we’re going. i still have a chance with plausible deniability.”

Jeff twisted as far as he could against the seatbelt to look back at him. “You’re not remotely worried about the fact that he stole your boyfriend’s car.”

“kid, if there is one thing all of us have learned over the years?” Stretch sighed, “it’s not to get involved in brotherly disputes.”

“shoulda told edge that when your brother was railing on you the other night.”

“i didn’t have to.” Stretch’s voice held an edge, wintry cold. “trust me, he had nothing to add.”

“uh huh. welp, let’s get this show on the road!”

“Where are we going?” Jeff asked, meekly. Plausible deniability was well and good, but he’d rather set up an automated text to let people know where to find the body if he didn’t show up at home by sometime tomorrow.

“doll, we are going to the only place in town that doesn’t have my face pinned up on the banned board. i tell ya, ya start one, two, maybe five brawls, and they pull in the welcome mat. fucking pussies.”

“you stole a car to take me to grillby’s?” Stretch snorted. He propped his feet against the other door, unbothered by seatbelt or the wind. “you’re such a cheap date.”

“i’m not putting out for upscale. ain’t like either of you are gonna give me a bj at the end of the night.”

“keep up with that and i’ll be puking before you can get me drunk.”

“sweet talker.”

Jeff hunched down in his seat and watched the blur of scenery pass through his windblown hair. Mistakes were being made, he was sure of it.

* * *

Edge was already waiting outside when his car pulled back into their driveway. 

Several hours ago, Stretch had texted him, _going to grillbys with red. don’t worry, i’ll make him park out back_

Not that he’d been overly surprised by his missing car. Red hadn’t stolen it in at least three months, he was more than overdue. 

“hey, bro!” Red called cheerily. Stretch and Jeff were both in the back seat, singing something decided lewd and extremely offkey, or at least he hoped it was offkey. Most current music made Edge think that Human society had an epidemic of hearing issues on their hands. 

Edge sighed and made a mental note to stay away from his neighbor’s social media for a few days. At least they were wearing their seatbelts, but by the stars, he could smell them from here. Whatever they’d been drinking held the bouquet of paint thinner.

“Hello, brother,” Edge said evenly. “Aren’t you and Blue due to head back to join the other delegates soon?”

“nah, sans said papyrus and frisk have it handled. aw, did i make you worry about your boy?” Red cooed. He crawled up to sit on the window ledge of the door, his feet dangling and his heels dragging against the paint in way that had Edge curling his hands into fists.

“Considering that the last time you stole my car, I had a tracker added to it, no, I wasn’t.”

“eh, stretch tattled, didn’t he,” Red snorted. “i bet he texted you before i even pulled out of the parking lot. fucking hell, i wasn’t gonna hurt your boytoy.”

“I believe he’s more properly my fiancé.”

Red gave him a sly grin. “wasn’t gonna hurt him, either.”

“Please do not imply that I am in any way involved with Jeff sexually,” Edge said disgustedly. “To begin with, no, and also, honor would probably demand that Antwan would make at least an attempt at killing me.”

Red only shook his head, his heels drumming softly against the door and Edge resisted the urge to knock him off. It wouldn’t hurt him, but it wasn’t something he wanted the neighbors to add to their collection of videos. “nah, humans don’t do that shit. Not supposed to, anyway.’

“Yes, because humans are excellent at only doing exactly what they are supposed to do. May I have my keys?” 

Red gave them a vague toss and Edge snatched them out of the air. “you’re not the same, you know,” Red said. He seemed almost pensive, the giggling singing behind him ignored. “in underfell, you would have had my ass for something like this.” 

“I’m not,” Edge agreed, softly. “Is that a problem?”

“nah,” Red shrugged, “happy is a pretty good look on you, boss.”

“You don’t have to call me that anymore.”

“no, i don’t. welp, i’m off,” he hopped down to the ground, landing easily on both feet, and jerked a thumb back at the occupants of the back seat, “at least one of us can get laid, if you want. not like he’s gonna say no.”

Anger flared, hot and crimson, and he had his brother by the front of his shirt before he’d even had a chance to think, snarling, “I would never...!”

Red only grinned, just this side of vicious, unconcernedly dangling from Edge’s grip. “there’s my bro.”

Edge made a disgusted noise and dropped him, irritated at how easily he’d been baited. He was out of practice in dealing with his brother. He forced his voice lower, colder, “That isn’t amusing, Sans.”

“wasn’t trying to be,” Red rocked on his heels and gave a little wave, starting to turning away. 

“Red?” 

He stopped, looking half over his shoulder at Edge, “yeah?”

“I can accept you borrowing my car,” Edge said, and his voice grated, “If you get him hurt on one of these ‘excursions’, I will pull your spine out through your jaw. Perhaps that will curb your more enthusiastic tendencies?”

Red gave him another grin, eye lights shining, “yeah, that’s my brother. bye, bro.”

He took a shortcut halfway through his next step, vanishing and leaving Edge alone to deal with the fools in his car. That was fine, it would be easier to manage without Red’s commentary.

He leaned in, wincing at the volume as much as the words, “Please, be quiet, there are children in this neighborhood who have school tomorrow.” 

His idiot brigade of two trailed off mid-sentence and Stretch beamed up at him in delight, “Hiiiii!”

“Hiii!’ Jeff joined in, or at least Edge thought he did. Jeff’s singing voice was comparable to a birthing cow. 

“Hello, yourselves,” Edge said dryly and considered his options. Instinct demanded he bring Stretch in first, however, Jeff was starting to get that greenish cast humans took on before they vomited. At least he could count on Stretch not ruining the interior of his car for a few more minutes.

“Stay here,” he told Stretch, and he got a sort of agreeable hum from him. Jeff didn’t protest when Edge simply picked him up and carried him into the house; he did manage to sling both arms around Edge’s neck and planted a decidedly sloppy kiss against his cheekbone that was disgustingly wet and squishy. He never thought he’d have an opportunity to be grateful for a lack of lips. 

He settled Jeff on the sofa with an empty trash bin and firmly indicated it should be used if necessary and not his clean floor. Whether or not Jeff actually understood was a point of contention, but he did offer a wobbly nod.

In the few moments that took, Stretch had already falling asleep, snoring softly in the way he only did when he drank. He was a little bit more difficult to carry, long-limbed and utter dead weight but Edge managed. Once he got a good grip, it was only a matter of carrying him up the stairs and settling him into their bed before pulling off his shoes. Any sleepy groping was easily avoided, though he did press a soft kiss to Stretch’s forehead. 

“Sleep well, you drunkard,” Edge said with soft amusement. Stretch was already snoring again, his hopefully fumbling hands lax against the bedclothes. 

A sound caught his attention and he went back downstairs to find Jeff using the trash can enthusiastically. 

Ah, the joys of a physical digestive tract.

He went to the kitchen and retrieved a glass of water and a wet cloth, waiting for him to finish heaving before offering the glass. 

“Would you like me to call Antwan?” he asked. 

Jeff started so violently he nearly spilled the water, pure panic in his eyes, “No, no, don' let him see me like this, _please_ …”

Edge hushed him. “All right, I won't.” 

There was no point in arguing now that Antwan would more than likely be concerned rather than upset, and definitely sympathetic. Cleverer people than Jeff had been out with Red and Stretch, and been worse for it. It seemed the trust wasn’t there, not yet, and he wasn’t about to do anything that might damage it. 

When Jeff finished his water and sank back into the sofa with a sigh, Edge took away the glass before he settled the damp cloth on his forehead, earning a grateful groan.

“Why're you being nice to me?” Jeff slurred. His eyes were barely open and Human eyes revealed little in the darkness. 

“Why wouldn't I be nice to you?"” Edge asked quietly. He sat in the nearby armchair, his clasped hands hanging between his knees. 

“I dunno. You don't like me.” He sounded plaintive and unhappy. 

That gave Edge a pause. “Of course I like you.”

“Oh,” Simply, although whether it was acceptance or acknowledgment, Edge couldn’t guess. “Stretch okay?”

And that was precisely one of the reasons Edge liked him. “He's fine. If there's one thing that his HP doesn't affect it's his tolerance for alcohol. Next time, I don't recommend trying to keep up.”

“I'm sorry,” Jeff said. He sounded faintly teary.

For a brief moment, Edge was reminded strongly of the teenagers down at the Y. "You don't need to be sorry, Jeff. You made one poor decision and you would hardly be the first to do that in my brother's presence. Why don't you try to sleep?”

“Mmkay.” He didn’t move, his eyelids fluttering shut and he didn’t stir when Edge pulled a soft blanket from the back of the sofa, one kept there specifically for Stretch’s numerous naps. 

Edge kept an eye on him for a while, in case he became ill again. He'd heard stories about how humans made ill by drinking had taken a poor turn. When Stretch woke up, he might be able to heal him a little; Edge had no skills in that art. What he did have was an excellent idea for breakfast; bacon, of course, and sausage. Hash browns, biscuits with gravy; greasy, filling food and plenty of it. Just the thing for queasy, hungover stomachs. 

His own grin was hidden in the dark, there was no one to see the cruel curve to it. Revenge could be savory for once.  
He’d have to think of something else for his brother. 

-finis-


End file.
